lately ive been feeling lonely

lately i dont know whats been going on with me, but ive been feeling very lonely. theres my family around me, but i still feel alone. i need to find someone to be with. someone to love and to love me back. I want to kiss someone passionately and show them i care.
Ive been kissing someone i dated in the past lately. no feelings attached, just kissing for the feeling of it. it feels wrong, but it feels good. i love his lips, i could kiss them all day. But i dont love him. Im only attracted to him. But it would be foolish to go out with him again as a couple. its driving me nits that i feel this way. But i feel like if i express it, it will feed his ego and he will feel like a hot shot. i simply want to keep holding him and kissing him, ive had a craving to kiss for a long time and i find him to be the one to be able to kiss the craving off. he can do no strings attached better than anyone i know, plus id rather enjoy a kiss with a friend than with a stranger.

the man i married in a dream

i had a dream a few weeks ago. I saw the face of the man i would marry. The dream was weird and all, but i saw the man i was married to. he had light brown hair, light tanned skin, a beautiful smile, and beautiful greenblue eyes. he was comforting and he was smart. we were both in the army apparently. i want to marry someone like that someday. i hope i find the man of my dreams.

Such a light touch and yet it is still in my mind

Recently i had a dream, my dreams arent always easy to understand, theyre mixed and have random locations, but it seems normal at the time. In this last dream,in one of the scenes i went through i seemed to be in a dark classroom setting now, and it looked like there was a mutual relationship between me and what was a young handsome teacher with fierce blue eyes, of about 23. All i can remember now is that we made alot of eye contact secretly while none of the other students noticed, so i knew that outside of this environment there was something going on between us, some kind of romance unknown to everyone. He sat on a chair across from me on the small table i was in with one other female which appeared to be a friend i guess. everyone was doing their work but he sat in front of me and was "helping" me with what i had a hard time doing. We kept making eye contact and it was so full of emotion that something stirred inside me and ran down my body and made me blush at the same time, we were sharing these secret little glances and touches and nobody noticed, it was exciting. Our hands were on the table and as he wrote something and i moved my hand to grab something, he would grab it and give to me and linger his hand brushing against mine and stare into my eyes letting me know he enjoyed these interactions between us. His leg was next to mine under the table and i slowly rubbed mine against his in a way that seemed natural to not attract attention.Who knew all these little simple touches and eye contact could stir desire. I wanted to do more than that. I wanted to stare into his eyes and kiss him right then and there, it truly felt like we were going to do that when we touched hands. I felt the room getting hotter and i couldnt wait for class to be over so i could steal a kiss from him before anyone noticed.

Why is it that i only feel these things in dreams? Ive never felt this way in real life and yet in my dreams i feel it so vividly, does that count as me feeling it?

This is like a diary

Ive kept a diary of my life since i was 3, its all in my head, but i plan to put my thoughts on something tangible from this day forth, like the post below this one.

What I want, what You want, what It is.

Unspoken truths and desires of an alternate time

You approach me like you always do, but something different happens today. Your lips hover over mine for the slightest distance, I feel the forces between that gap like the forces between two magnets that are so close to each other you can feel the space between them trying to close desperately. I begin to resist but you hold my arms tightly over my head and push your body against mine cornering me against the wall. Your chest is rising and falling fast to the beat of your heart, you are nervous. Your amber eyes are wild and still, staring directly at my dark eyes like a lion watches its prey about to pounce. You keep glancing at my lips; the tension is making you crazy. I don’t want to kiss you because it wouldn’t be right, but in this situation, who can resist? just enjoy it for what it is. I look up straight into your eyes with a look that can melt an iceberg. I’m still struggling against you but it is because of nervousness and tension. I bite my lower lip and look at yours; youre still an amateur. Still staring into your eyes I lean in slightly and run the tip of my tongue against your lower lip ever so slightly, teasing you. You give in.

            Your lips meet mine in a collision of two different forces, hot and cold. You don’t know what to do so I lead. Still unable to move my hands or body i tiptoe slightly and suck on your lower lip slowly with a lingering taste of passion. Our kiss gains speed and intensity, your lips yearning for more press harder against mine with a hint of uncertainty and desperation. Ignore all feelings and thoughts and simply take in the moment.. Your hands loosen the grip on my arms to run your hands down the curves of my body. You hold my face in one hand and my waist in the other as my hands run down your chest. I turn you towards the wall and close the distance putting a leg in between yours to misbalance you and gain control.

            I grab your hands and put them behind your back, interlacing my fingers with yours and closing the gap between our bodies., my hands let go of yours and embrace your neck bringing your face closer to mine while i stare deep into your eyes. your eyes look astonished at what is unfolding in front of your eyes. I know that this is wrong but enjoy the moment now while you still can, think about it later.

            Your body is trembling against mine, getting hotter, you are about to say something but I interrupt with a kiss. We kiss with slow and hard kisses for a minute and then I go for a deeper kiss. I slyly introduce the tip of my tongue into your mouth only slightly to tease of what is to come. I greet your tongue with mine and slowly massage it with mine with slow soft motions. My right hand cupped behind your neck and my left hand grabs your hands and place them on my lower back. Your breathing is heavier, I can feel your passion, while I am still perfectly relaxed and haven’t been fazed with this encounter. I press my body against yours and I hear a slight moan come from your lips. Hearing you moan makes my body get the chills, but it feels good. I bite your lower lip pull you roughly to me, your lips sweetly locked to mine. I remove my lips from yours and look into your eyes mischievously and yet they are emotionless as if the kiss had not affected me at all though my lips greatly enjoyed it. I smile teasingly and read your eyes, like an open book. I can read you perfectly your eyes full of different emotions and thoughts.

            You’re trying to read me but it is futile, You are unsecure and doubtful of what we shared, you want to know what it meant because you werent expecting me to comply, but you wont get that answer from my eyes. I see lust, fear, love, hate, confusion, hope, despair, uncertainty and happiness in your eyes. I hold your gaze not letting go of your eyes and have a silent conversation of unspoken words. You drop your gaze and a guilty expression appears in your face. There should be no guilt in your eyes, we all have desires unfulfilled that will come to light one day. You may have initiated a nonreciprocal kiss, but I would rather kiss and give you some joy for a moment, fully knowing nothing will ever come of it, than showing you no emotion at all, because deep down inside I care.

            Enjoy the kiss for what it is. Don’t regret it.  A kiss can mean a thousand things and can be used to speak what we feel without uttering a single word. Our body can speak better than our untrained tongues can ever do.

Be thankful

Be thankful for everything you have
Be thankful for what you dont have
Sometimes having what you wish for isnt what is right for you.
Ive learned that and i say it here now.

stop looking at them

 If people stopped looking at others to criticize their mistakes to make themselves feel all knowing and perfect, then theyd see that its pointless to live your life peeking at another persons life. Look at yourself first before you judge others and think youre better than them, youre probably worse than they are.

Dont judge anyone because of one bad action or a mistake, thats how we learn, a person's character is not determined by a single event in time where they turned wrong.